Be the King of the Motherfucking Jungle

“Am I nothing but a cheap back alley whore, panties exposed in the cool air, sex organ ravaged, waiting ajar for just one more easy dollar opportunity?”

Surprisingly, as a long term-traveller (averse to term “digital nomad” save for placement in a catchy SEO-worthy title), it’s a question that bothers me a lot. No more so than in reflection as to what has happened here, at WillPeach.com, my own shopfront to the untapped mass markets of the world.

But it’s not just happening to me, such interrogation. I also see it happening in you too.

You once had the world at your feet. Your site, your brand, your business on the web? It was all going so well. You worked so hard to bring value to an audience. Yes, you were struggling financially, but fuck it, at least you had love and passion for what you were doing.

Now look at you. All corrupted. Screwed in the ass by the temptation of greed and living off your laurels making an easy sell. You make me want to punch you in the cunt.

Scratch that. You make me want to punch myself in the cunt. For I am you and you are me. Just another self-effacing whore on the internet, cheating people by promising good shit and then not delivering.

Fuck you Will Peach. Fuck you sell-out travel blogger. Fuck you scam artist internet con-man. Fuck you slimey money-grubbing expat.

Fuck you parents of all the above.

OK. Probably best to reserve such catharsis for a more private time – like when I’m at home having an angry wank or something. Right now? Let’s get back to you.

Let the following serve as a reminder (through the modicum of my own failing), how crucial it is to maintain integrity in what you do. How integrity helps you to build a robust platform that ensures your long term survival as a wandering worker.

And while keeping this kick-ass, around the world lifestyle going as long as I can might be my primary concern, I appreciate your goals might be different. Still, I believe everything I’m about to layout in this post all links, more broadly, to living a happier, more fulfilled, life. One where you give the most of yourself in your art and your output.

So save sounding like one of those ball-sniffing personal development bloggers, I’ll stop now before I begin to want to wring my own neck like a poor, battery-farmed chicken.

But, if indeed you are worried about the long term-survival of your business, your freelancing career, or maybe just your soul, here’s how I think you can save it.

At least here’s how I plan to save myself anyway.

Kill Your Opportunism and Give Birth to Something Bigger

It’s Your Baby

Of course saving myself might not be an option. Perhaps I’ve gone beyond the point of no return, hooking you all in with the promise of edgy content aimed at shooting down naysaying travel blogging dickweeds and then filling this hole with advertorial crap. I don’t know.

What’s important is that it’s never too late for you.

You’ve just got to stop being an opportunistic fuckwit and attempt to give birth to something bigger.

For those in the travel sphere? That means stop selling links, selling adverts, peddling affiliate shite, dictating to people what products they should buy, hotels they should stay in and destinations they should visit, and try to be a real, interesting, person (and writer) instead. Someone who offers honesty. A person with principles and stuff. A person that when you arrange to meet them for a beer, coffee or pina fucking colada, won’t be limited to spaffing over the latest social media fad (that probably offers rank-ass engagement anyway) and instead brings other, more important, aspects of thought and philosophy to the table.

Become someone I actually want to fuck instead of kill.

And as for those in other areas of business? The same still applies. Stop going for the cheap bucks that jar against your principles. Don’t fill your platform or site like I have. Don’t make it an empty parking lot of useless information. Quick reads that communicate the obvious intention of you trying to shaft someone for bit of green.

Build something robust. Something you’re actually proud of. Something that shows the world you’re a sexy motherfucker.

Or, at the very least, go and do all the other opportunistic stuff more clandestinely elsewhere (and not have it linked to your name or main brand).

Ensure your long-term survival by holding your integrity above anything else. That’s where the most stable source of income will come from. Money that will enable you to live your dreams and sow your wild oats around the world.

Wondering how to implement that? It ain’t as hard as you think pretty boy.

Here are the three main ways that I believe can make that all possible.

Ensuring Long-Term Survival

Don’t Trust the Survival Tips of Posh English Guys

1) Maintain a Creed or Set of Principles for Yourself and Your Brand

In Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (yes, I do occasionally read aspirational stuff – even if I do find it highly nauseous), one of the main principles outlined is that of building a creed for yourself.

Take that as creating a set of rules that outline, roughly, what you want your epitaph to read and then applying that to your output. Hopefully before dying though. The world wouldn’t want that. Only I wish plague and pestilence upon you.

Anyway this all becomes doubly important when you view making money online, or other entrepreneurial pursuits, as something akin to a gold rush (but with more prick-asses as opposed to pick-axes) where we rush from one promising source to the next, not giving the damndest little shit about the other guy and forgetting what it was that we all stood for in the first place.

Having a personal creed that puts integrity at the forefront, even if it’s short, is highly effective in helping communicate that you’re an upstanding, reliable person. That you’re the leader of a reputable brand or the creator of art that an audience can trust.

Basically the complete opposite of the guy behind WillPeach.com.

2) Never Compromise

Simple but often forgot, what’s the point of having principles, especially those centred on integrity, if you just throw them off the fucking ship every chance you get?

Of course if you’re anything like me (more on this in the later part on greed), the opportunities to do so and your infallible weakness as a human being often make it incredibly easy to do.

This is where you’re going to have to look into your black, rotting heart and dig deep. The moment you compromise on all that you’ve promised yourself (and as a consequence, your audience) is the moment you might as well call up Divine Brown and ask her how to give a killer blow job.

(Note: hey, I have to pump this article with whore references where I can. Boys gotta do what a boys gotz to do…)

3) Communicate Your Creed

Using travel blogging as an example (and please, feel free to chop of my goose-pimpled scrotum at any point), there are few I see in the medium coming out, all guns blazing, waving the flag of integrity and highlighting their embittered struggle in maintaining the principle of quality.

One such person that does it well however, and such as in the same vein as I imagine him “topping” one of his around-the-world conquests, is Robert Schrader of Leave Your Daily Hell. Take one glance at his About page and you’ll see the communication of his creed boldly asserted.

“Unlike some other travel blogs on the Internet, we at Leave Your Daily Hell publish only magazine-quality writing and photography, and pride ourselves on clean, modern Web design, which you’ll probably notice is updated frequently to constantly optimize the user experience”

But this speaks more than through a single page on his blog. It encompass his overall online presence (and, as I imagine, if given the chance to finally meet, his actual, physical, presence too). The guy clearly holds himself in good moral stead, pulling no punches chastising the shysters (and yup, I’ve been on the end of his barbed tongue a few times) and recalibrating his perspective to see himself as crusader of honesty and integrity in a very dark corner of the internet.

Now we might not necessarily agree with some of his more neurotic actions, but the communication of his principles is something every doe-eyed blogger or internet creator can learn something from.

Building a creed for yourself, never compromising on it and communicating it through your day to day actions might form a downright irritating self-development sentence, but hey, that shit is real brah.

There simply ain’t no better way to build trust, reputation and robustness for yourself. Hell, it might just help in getting you heavily embedded in penis or vagina too (I’m liberal enough to throw open both options).

Kicking Greed in the Gonads

Look at this Greedy Mofo

Having sought to make the point that integrity and principle help bolster your long-term survival in work and life, I now want to move on to get to grips with greed.

Being a money-coveting little dickspazz is pretty much how I’d define my life over the past 12 months. I literally couldn’t have given any less of a shit about my art and work.

This has undoubtedly shown (apart from one or two flashes of brilliance perhaps) in the fact that I’ve felt massively apathetic toward writing, communicating and meeting people that work within my niche. Not to mention feeling reprehensible as a human and emotionally bankrupt having waved my dick and acrid tongue tormenting others during that period.

No, instead I was happy just to sit at home, throw shit up on my websites and see the funds drop into my PayPal account.

The saddest thing about all this? The lack of people calling me out and holding me accountable for my own idiocy. But hang back just a minute, at the want of me being a sniffling little cry baby and pointing fingers elsewhere, let me just outline something…

Many of my immediate peers seem to be doing much of the same. They too are also guilty of pumping out mindless shite with reckless abandon and coveting the tiny-ass dollar rewards.

It’s only a scant few (thanks Pam, Leif and James) who seem to be self-empowered enough to kick little upstarts like me up the ass. As a result? I’ve only ended up respecting these people more.

Where most other people would run off into the woods, tears streaming down their ugly faces and wailing something about “the world” being “against them”, I’m going to listen to these devil-tongued (yet highly principled) beasts and try and make amends.

Guys, seriously, take it upon yourselves to roam free. Go forth and call out. Don’t limit your righteous roving. Kill the sinners in their midst. Crucify me and others like me. Drive those nails into our dainty little hands and let the blood drip for all who are left in our audience to see.

Heaven knows I’ve prostituted this and other websites I own with pointless advertising drivel. Yet, fuck business for a minute, the damage it’s done is greater than that.

It’s messed with my personal state of being and crippled me creatively too.

Buckle up because its now time for recompense. If you, like me, find yourself driven by greed, stop right now in your trite toothless tracks. Here’s how we’re going to set ourselves straight.

Why Greed is Fucking Your Long Term Goals and How to Stop It

Fuck This Greedy Little Water Grabbing Shit

1. Ask Yourself What Difference Does a Few Extra Dollars Make?

Is throwing up that extra contextual or affiliate link really going to better your bank balance in the long run? Aren’t you just destroying your site, its credibility as a platform and your own reputation as an honest creator even more?

Doing it has my reputation all shot. And all at the expense of short term cash reserves when I’d have been much better off budgeting, building and fostering a business based on integrity and principle that fully engages people and brings richer opportunity for myself.

Plus c’mon knobhead, it’s not like living in Bangkok is really costing me that much either is it?

Time to stop living like a fucking high-roller. Without creative output to be proud of it leaves me just as empty as the dispelled nut sack of Genghis Khan anyway.

Isn’t it time you woke up and set alight to that shitty short-term dollar too?

2. Think About the Effects of Greed on Your Personal Being

Yeah it’s good to have a bit of dosh behind me to give me certain peace of mind, but strip away the method in which I’ve accrued it and what am I left with? A shoddy, unstable business platform that doesn’t look too healthy in the long run and a very similar sense of being.

What happened to staying hungry and staying foolish? What happened to that balls-to-the-wall creativity that spurned TravelSexLife.com and few decent articles I was proud to slam my name on? It all went up in smoke when I knew I was going to be able to eat six months from now and sustain my skinny, brittle body that’s what.

Now you might be as obese as a cow but the effects of greed are still the same. Ask yourself what it’s doing to you creatively. Are you feeling the need to produce quality or are you happy sucking off sad old SEO-clients in the background?

Life is there for you to stamp your motherfucking mark on.

How “Spooning” Integrity While “Fucking” Greed Will Better You

Bitches…

Time for analogy as we near the end of this self-styled rant.

Integrity is the wholesome goodness you need to spoon and take care of. Greed is the worthless ho, ripe for a hate fucking.

One enables your long term survival in business, life and travel. The other gives you aids and breaks you down quicker than you could ever imagine.

The main positive to come out of all this, especially given that rather bleak analogy, is that it’s never too late to change. Unlike a nasty terminal illness, the dynamic is something you have full control of. Something you can wrestle, arrest and pin to the canvas (even give it a big Hulk Hogan leg dropping too if you want).

So since I’ve mentioned HOW to get it under control here’s where I really need to summarise and talk about WHY THE FUCK YOU SHOULD.

1. Brings You Greater Self Worth

Most important first.

Maintaining integrity and living by principle makes you love yourself more. The more you want to suck your own dick, the better your work (and business) will be. End of story.

2. Liberates You From Complacency

Saying no to greed – and to the stability of a short-term cash flow – puts you in a corner where you have to focus on the bigger picture. What do you really want to communicate in life? What do you really want to bring to the world? What do you really believe in? Work on these things while you starve. And when you get there? Don’t forget how it is to feel your bulging ribcage while you starve and sleep in a windowless Spanish apartment room.

3. Forces You to Be More Self-Analytical

Just like Machiavelli lays down a treatise on empirical power in The Prince, you need to lay down the treatise for your own empire (whatever you want it to consist of). The only way you’re going to look inward is by thinking about the principles you are driven by. Identify those and you’ll have a firm and powerful core that’ll beat down the door of any opportunist and slap them bang in the centre of their smug little face.

Hopefully now you can see how more integrity and less greed can help you build platforms that enable your long term survival.

Yet I’m not done. And I understand you’re probably still quite upset with me.

Fuck You Will Peach, You Spineless Preacher. When Do I Get To See You Action This Shit?

Seriously, You’re Going to Take Lessons From This Hipster Twat?

Ah. The fundamental question. And one that binds up this entire epic tirade.

You’re right. What the fuck am I going to do about all this indeed?

Well, how’s this for starts? Following this post, I heretofore promise to NOT DO any of the following here at WillPeach.com (note: that I’m still keen on building a “principled business” so am not going on an all out Nazi assault here):

1. Accept and publish guest posts that dilute and deviate from my brand, topic and authorial voice (including those from my trusty assistant).

2. Accept and take money from any form of advertising that forces a change in authorial tone, topic or content (including text links, sidebar links, banners, affiliate links and any other new form of advertising).

3. Pump out links on my social media channels that have not been read or created by me or people I respect and trust.

4. Not be so goddamn DTF to appease a certain strata of my audience that might be offended or titillated by certain topics.

5. Tone down swearing or sexual analogies (on-site) to reflect a wholesome commercial voice that does not mesh with my real-life personality.

And where I heretofore promise to DO the following here at WillPeach.com:

1. Move all existing puerile crap to my archives so that you can no longer see or be repulsed by it.

2. Try my hardest to consistently create useful, informational content on topics revolving around life abroad, long-term travel, self-employment and entrepreneurship.

3. Try and be a better fucking human being.

OK, done.

Now, what the fuck are you going to do to arrest your brand, survive long-term and stop being such a self-effacing, money-grabbing whore?

Time to bust your balls letting me know in the comments below…

If this is the kind of thing you come up with get your mother to abort you now

Stop right there you eager streak of piss. I know what you’re doing. You and that glum shallow-eyed face of yours. I see your withered lips twitch, your over-satiated (and no doubt defiled) body turn inquisitively. It’s starting. And I want to get the fuck away from whatever comes next.

You’re thinking right? Thinking about the title question that roped your curious clunge-piece into clicking over here no? Heck, you’re probably even trying to come up with a satisfying answer too. One that involves doing good in the world and helping people out most likely. Nice, small-scale things. Things you think are going to help you gain harder, faster, more cataclysmic orgasms as well as respect among your no-hope, Game of Thrones-watching friends.

Urghhh. It’s all so predictable.

Sound check motherfucker.

What you actually just did? Wasn’t thinking. You, you immoral chimpanzee, simply ejaculated brain fluff out into the ether.

The things you thought of? About as cool, epic and fucked up as wearing a pair of stilettos when your girlfriend/mum is out. About as commonplace as a garden trowel. About as imaginative as a chocolate factory. About as sexy as Cinderella after her ugly sisters have slammed her perfect labia into a mangle and wrung that thing all night long.

Can you see where I’m going with this?

You didn’t think big enough.

You squandered the question like a plagued execration.

You spat on the grave of every metaphysical poet that ever drew breath.

You just bored the fuck out of yourself with your own stupid answer.

You did exactly the same goddamn thing 90% of people always do.

Loser.

Shut Yo’ Mouth, I Need Context Dickhead

OK already, let the assault end. So, what exactly is meant by the “most coolest”, “most epic”, “most fucked up” thing you can think of? And why the fuck am I being so interactive in the first place? “That’s not like you Will Peach”, I hear you cry. “Not like you at all.”

Allow me to lay down some context for your drizzled brains.

Here’s the question again. This time framed differently.

What’s the coolest, most epic, most fucked up thing you can think of doing with YOUR SHITTY LIFE?

I’m talking pursuit type shit, legacy stuff, things you surrender your overweening intellect to and make your unholy purpose. Something that would make you pass up sex. Sex, even, with a delicious-bodied temptress of an author like the one whose very words you’re reading now. All to focus in on something. Something bigger than yourself.

Now, you might wonder why I’ve gone all personal pussy development on your ass. Especially considering that, 362 days out of 365, I indeed am a lowly, miserable, cuntbag of a homosapien.

The reason? Because a good friend of mine asked me this very same question a few weeks back. All while we were chomping down on stale Mexican food at Bangkok’s premier Sunrise Tacos down on soi 14.

His delivery was enough to make me spit out the sombrero-wearing Filipino waiters’ johnson in disgust. Chewing it around (the question), I turned a new shade of livid and had to restrain myself from stuffing the burrito-stained tablecloth down his throat.

What was this so called friend (read: fuckwit’s) agenda? What was he doing shooting such a meal-mouthed, village bicycle of a question in my direction? Couldn’t this fucker recognise that I wasn’t the kind of breathless carbon bag who wasted his time with this twee, soul-searching, Facebook-wall-coated smegma?

WHO ON EARTH WAS I EATING TACOS WITH?

OK, calm down. Dude was meaning well. Dude was helping me to figure out shit that’d been weighing me down. Dude was simply asking himself the question just as much as he was asking me it. Dude was about as lost and confused I was up until that point.

How could I hate such an endearing piece of North American scum like that?

Truth be told though, dude annoyed the shit out of me. All because he quickly came up with a good answer. Seductive enough, even, to begin to cause a stir in my own lifeless testes.

“The coolest thing? Travelling the world and living a thousand lives in my own lifetime, experiencing the shit people do to make enough dollar to eat, breathe and procreate”, he says. Me: “yeah? How you going to do that trollface?” Him: “by trying out the jobs they do.”

Boom. Sold. Silenced.

Answering the question, he suddenly stripped away all the doubt he’d been having over which direction to move in. He reminded himself of the bottom line. Reminded himself why the fuck he was in Bangkok eating Mexican food with a handsome cretin like myself. Reminded himself just what the hell he’d be doing in a fortnight molesting elephants in Chang Mai.

He also reminded me, through my inability to answer, just how stultified I’d become. Just how quiet had grown my own sorry mind. Turning back to him, I couldn’t even muster up a riposte of any level of gravitas, let alone magnitude. I was stuck for ideas. Devoid of excitement. Dead inside.

Needless to say the question he asked still lingers, continuing to fuck me, royally, from its grave in the blessed cemetery of Sunrise Taco Passed Moments. Haunting me like grainy videos of Al Qaeda decapitations that only a sick puppy like my dearly departed housemate would fill their time watching.

Thinking about it still makes me feel sick.

The Problem with These Types of Questions

Hoping to god my North American friend is an anomaly of sorts and presupposing, if you permit me, that you too are a little bit lost, let’s try and figure out why it’s so damn hard answering this and why it’s particularly nauseating.

First, let’s just suppose for a second that it’s not us at all that’s the problem here. Perhaps it’s more the question. Did Yankiedoodle just get lucky in his interpretation of it in the moment? Or was he just feeling particularly inspired after looking at guacamole drip out of my nostrils for a few short seconds? Maybe, now this is key, he hasn’t developed his mind like we have to eject the fuck out of the away when questions like this crop up.

Basically what I’m suggesting here is this.

That we’ve become averse to such trite questioning.

That we’ve learned, whether for good or for bad, to simply ignore this type of over-simplified interrogative horseshit.

Why? Because it’s a symptom of immunity. A self-vaccination brought on by similar questions pumped incessantly into our faces every fucking second we hop onto Twitter or try and send a barrage of hate to some self-important ho in our Facebook streams. We’ve trained our brains to ignore all the regurgitated quotey life-affirming bullshit. It’s the only way we find ourselves able to get through the goddamn day.

Perhaps we find answering this shit difficult because we’re all too damn sophisticated for our own good too. Sophisticated because we put filters on the uncreative and irksome language that usually accompanies these types of question. All those “epics”, “awesomes” and “incredibles”. Any sentence that includes such wording we simply flip a middle finder at and scroll the fuck onwards.

As for why we do this? Look no further than the fact that we’re all pretentious, heinous, human beings. Literature nazis deserving of a toothless kicking.

In our own justification though, we’re often compelled to behave like upper grade dicks because of the answers people generally give. Y’know, the horrendous type of shit I alluded to when I went all scatter-gun on your ass in the introduction. All the “I want to travel to every country in the world” or the “I want to start a location independent business” type of schlock that most people come up with after thinking only for a nanosecond.

The type of self-interested nonsense that impresses nobody. The generic trill of someone who’s read a few big-name blogs and gets suckered in by having a certain lifestyle shoved down their Oreo-imbibing pipeline of a neck.

These questions are the produce of people that haven’t really thought at all. Not on any deeply personal level anyway.

And I don’t want to be anything like those creatures of sin.

Pointing the Mothafuckin’ Finger Again

I don’t want to be like them because I’d like to think my answer would be way further out there. Like way out in the Milky Way. Or being kicked around in contemplation by the residents of Tralfamadore or something.

Thinking big though, for me at least, ain’t that easy. Yes, I get that with 90% of the world aiming for mediocre goals, hitting those big home runs doesn’t look too intimidating (ripping Tim Ferriss there), it’s just that coming up with what what those goals constitute is a big fucking needle in the urethra.

I get that I could continue pointing my finger outward – way easier than forcing my pussy-brain to really fire on all cylinders – but those who at least have an answer, as benign as it might be, still have one leg up on me.

So why the resistance then? What’s holding my bitch ass back from deciding what the Michael Hutchence I should be doing with my life?

It doesn’t help that the thought of answering that (to me at least) is intimidating as shit. Why would I want to sit down with myself, alone with my thoughts, and start a proper insightful meditation? The last time I sat alone and thought for more than two minutes I decided it best to measure my rather paltry-sized pecker alongside a Starbucks coffee stirrer. I was that in need of distraction.

Yet the answer comes thick and fast to some. Take that thoughtful, level-headed bitch Turner Barr for instance (the man with whom I enjoyed a Mexican, after eating of course). If he can answer the question with such conviction, then surely someone as intellectually superior as myself can do it too right?

Wrong.

What happens is I begin thinking about shit I think other people would find cool and then convince myself that I do too. Failing that I then begin thinking about whether that batshit crazy idea I came up with would help make me money.

Ker-ching babyface.

Carry on like that and I’m never going to be happy. Won’t someone please implore me to grow a pair of balls already?

I mean, I’ve already had the notion, for a llloooonggg fucking time, that I want to travel the world writing and making bank from that. That, to me, is some out of this solar system type shit. The problem is just that it ain’t that specific. Not in the sense of so are you going to be an author then dicklips or just a freelance journo selling his junk?

Then again, perhaps the need for specificity is just a pussy manoeuvre away from facing the fear, biting the bullet and getting on it. Heaven knows getting dragged into entrepreneurial circles of late has taken me away from this idea entirely.

Why would anyone want to be a nomadic writer in the age of the sickening blog? Especially when I could be drop shipping some penis growth pill. Or better still starting an online marketing agency and becoming the most boring cunt in the world.

Oh, wait, that circle is just as uninspiring as any other.

I think what I really want to say is this. That the way I’ve designed my life, as nomadic rover, writer, profiteer from websites, has put me in circles with people who will always answer this question the same way.

Travel.

Money.

Business.

Is it any wonder that I’m struggling to come up with some mind shredding answer that encompasses more than any of these three things?

The Helpful Part

So here’s the part where I ruminate on what I’m going to do. What I’m going to do in terms of coming up with a much bigger answer to the question of “what’s the coolest, most epic, most fucked up thing you can think of?” Maybe, if you’re one of the stuck ones, this might help you too.

Here’s what it entails.

It entails meeting a wide cross section of people. Layabouts. Alcoholics. Drug dealers. Successful business owners. School kids. Grandmas. Hitler youth. Students of philosophy. Locals of new countries we’re in. The person in the next hotel room. The person in the next cubicle. The person who owns the dick you’re sucking on through a Memorial Park lavatory glory hole.

It entails starting random conversations and looking like a mentalist.

It entails writing emails to the owner of every single website you visit and asking them why they continue to create, move and do.

It entails giving people what they need even when they don’t know they need it.

It entails, just like my friend Jeremy’s tattoo says, actually getting out into the world and living.

It entails listening to people, thinking less and shutting the fuck up on the internet.

It entails sitting down and writing every damn day.

Then and only then, will I permit your glum, shallow-eyed face to utter unspeakable truths into my ear.

Get to it.

I couldn’t put it any other way

Boo hoo. Nobody’s watching your shitty little YouTube videos and you don’t know why. You even put in overly gratuitous shots of you hugging Asian people too. What the fuck’s going on?

Well, instead of raising your skinny fists to the air, imploring the Good Lord for not sending eyeballs your way and then desecrating Hitchcocks’s grave by having a tug over Gangnam Style, why don’t you do something about it?

Everyone keeps saying online video is the future – and despite the grand universe being made up of a large proportion of wizened pricks, perhaps they have a point. The bottom line? Mess video up and you throw another medium of engagement, capable of driving interest to your brand and business, firmly in the shitter.

Having previously worked as a multimedia journalist in the trade press (back when I was far more presentable), I had the chance to learn a bit about how to shape a solid online video. And while the only thing markedly “viral” I sculpted was a good bout of chlamydia, at least I had some time to study them and see what works.

So now I want to shed a little bit of light on the topic that’s likely to set the purists and snobs’ tongues wagging faster than a lesbians at a porn fest. The truth? You don’t need to invest in decent equipment, be an editorial wizard or cast actors who look as if they’ve been hit by a washboard to make something half decent. In fact it’s easier than all that.

Here’s how to make what you do behind, in front and beside your camera, 100X more fucking fantastic.

Your Primary Focus

John’s “primary” focus revolved around finding the nearest bathhouse

Now I understand that if you’re reading this you’re more than likely deep into video and don’t like reading too much. Brace yourself fucktard. You’re going to need to digest more information before you go running off dick-in-hand into the editing studio.

I guess that’s the trouble with all you lacklustre videographers in the first place though isn’t it? Your general lack of impatience, poor attention to detail and sickening enthusiasm to get started? It’s crippling. Everyone knows all the best dudes in the biz have laser focus, bad personal hygiene (having not left the editing suite in weeks) and a strong sense of nihilism. Get with the program.

But, as I’m a sensitive little boy at heart and, just like Sting “can’t stand losing you”, nor can I. So allow me to lay down the number one most important piece of advice for you. In simple terms.

What should be the number one primary focus when developing your online videos?

Yourself.

Make yourself as interesting as humanly possible without coming across an overbearing twat (oh and hey, that works too) and you can forget about worrying your days over technical production, scripting and the myriad other nuances that plague the rest of the vid geeks.

Personality trumps everything.

Yet having made a fair bash at “personalising” myself in the video mentioned at the end of this post, let me tell you, it isn’t easy. Focusing on yourself requires effort.

Stick with it and develop yourself though and you’ll be well on your way. Failing that? You can always just grow a massive pair of bazookas and film those jiggling about until the cows come home.

And as for why you should master video? Well, besides from becoming a much more versatile creator (no matter what your business), the effect is multiple.

Your brand and business appear more personable. Your confidence grows. You might even open up sales funnels you never knew existed (my little Vietnam interview series lead to my first gig in multimedia journalism and a few commissions since).

Now that we’ve established why you should be doing this, let’s take a look at why 90% of web video you see online sucks dirty, lice-infested ass.

Heaven knows there’s enough shit out there already. We wouldn’t want you making the situation worse now would we?

The Reason Why 90% of Web Video Sucks Ass

Yes, one does.

So let’s discuss why online video is nowhere near as professional as writing, design and other creative exhibits of the internet. Hopefully you can take these as lessons in what not to do when it comes to creating your own.

Zero narrative

(This guy actually has a Facebook page for you to “like” him…)

Nothing to pique the viewers interest. No infusion of personal anecdote (no matter how disgusting or mundane) and absolutely no character development. The “stars” of these videos often resemble sexually ambiguous Englishmen with a penchant for ill-fitting jeans. Or this guy.

Lack of personality or creative stamp 

(Don’t waste your time with this. You will end yourself.)

Simple regurgitation of facts you could digest faster and more clearly through reading Wikipedia or a reference book. Monotonous presenting voice accompanied by stony-faced expression. You might be fooled into thinking the “presenters” of such videos are actually erected corpses channeling the spirit of Judith Chalmers (wait, is she actually dead?).

No plan or script

(This nerder clearly didn’t learn their lesson…)

Cobbled together video of various uninteresting locations, no linear structure or sequence and a strong resemblance of someone taking a bad trip on bath salts.

(Note: for hints and tips on the importance of scripting and how to approach it check out Quicksprout’s article on explainer videos).

Bad Pacing

(He “just records”, everybody else wishes he wouldn’t…)

Video that is either too goddamn long or pitifully short, often filled with awkward transitions and sometimes still photos or slideshows. Usually encourages crawling into a wardrobe, strapping a belt around your neck and choking yourself while you masturbate to the music of Lana Del Ray.

No practice

(Nothing was ever that “quick”. Sadly this video couldn’t remain lost to the festoons of time).

Because the medium is often more time consuming than typing up a load of shit and publishing it on a blog titled yourownname.com AKA cheaphuntersthompsonreferencehere, people give up on video pretty quick. The result is that there’s a proliferation of first-timer shit out there killing it for everyone.

Little viewer engagement

(He came to the conclusion of “might as well making this video”. Did Jesus die for his sins?)

Video that is so woefully narcissistic and self-serving that it makes you want to burn down YouTube’s headquarters and fuck everyone of its staff with a spike. Often video where the subject actually believes they are Christ reborn and offers absolutely no indication that they value an audience whatsoever. Marginally worse than video with too overly enthusiastic viewer engagement, like ones that speak directly to commenters or thank the human race for breathing.

Uncomfortable transitions

(If you get through this you deserve a medal).

Previously mentioned together with pacing, transitions (or the lack thereof) can make or break a video. Cutting up dialogue or scenes with random stuff can cause epilepsy and the desire to throttle your spouse.

Parodies

(It was never fun. Ever.)

Thinking of making a parody of a successful viral video? Seriously, go. Kill yourself now.

As you can see very little of these “problems” have much to do with the technicality of filming video at all. OK, so ruffled background noise, mixed volume levels and things like camera instability are annoying, but people often forgive them if the video is engaging enough in the first place.

And that’s the real takeaway from this section. Seek to be engaging.

Now let’s move on to some quick suggestions on how best to sex up your videos and cause a near-orgasmic like reception in your audience.

Quick Ways to Sex Up Your Videos

Adding more of this probably won’t work

This is where video purists are really going to be calling for my head. Here I’m suggesting that you skip studying the art of making cool online video and employ these quick little hacks instead.

Roger Ebert can suck a fat one.

Pick and employ a solid soundtrack

Picking a banging tune can make all the difference in a video where dialogue or script is lacking. If you’ve got the shots to back it up, try and make your transitions and cuts “mesh” with the beat or pacing of the track. Check out CreativeCommons.org for free licensed music to use in your vids. Or rip off some artist. Like I care.

Shoot somewhere beautiful or interesting

If indeed you do get lumbered with a video subject that looks like the love child of Susan Boyle and Salman Rushdie make damned sure you at least shoot somewhere visually stimulating. The more interesting places you can squeeze into your video (not at risk at fucking up the pacing though), the better it’ll turn out.

Be natural

Going down the whole following a script route? At least try to appear natural in your delivery. Nobody likes a robot with rote memorisation skills. Ever wondered why Huw Edwards gets loads of pussy? The guy’s voice sounds like Welsh silk.

(Note: for those in the business/entrep crowd I really like Derek Halpern’s (of Social Triggers) natural approach to video. Dude obviously puts a lot of thought into what he’s going to say but delivers it almost conversationally.)

Slip a bit of personal quirk in

I don’t generally advocate “slipping anything in” anywhere usually but I’ll make exceptions for quirk, that zany little aspect of your personality that makes people sit up and take notice. If you try and infuse a bit of that in your video, you’ll do well. Comical or light-hearted video gains far more traction than the overtly dramatic or serious (yet even those have space for quirk). KassemG is a great example of a videographer who has this nailed to a tee.

Move the focus away from you and onto other people

A cool quick fix that helps make for interesting web content is shifting the focus onto other people. Go out into the field and seek spontaneous interactions and more often than not you’ll come up with something far more entertaining than something you’ve sat down and scripted for hours on end. People are stupid yo!

Stuff like this is fast, easy and interesting too:

Cut your video into quick and clever transitions

Probably the trickiest of all tips in this section as it requires a fair bit of editing skill but it’s still something you can experiment with. Check out YouTubers like Jenna Marbles for inspiration and try not to wank off.

Shoot on a flat surface

Who says you need a tripod? Just rest whatever you’re shooting with on a flat surface and hey, look ma, no more Parkinsons!

Team up

Didn’t the Chinese say something like “too many cooks spoil the broth”. Well, fuck them, they clearly weren’t thinking about video. Teaming up with someone else can make all the difference a quality video. Have them contribute ideas, film or even star in a collaboration effort (that way you can reach their audience too) and you’re onto a winner. That’s exactly how Wheezy Waiter creeped on Sonia Travels’ audience in this clip. I’m guessing they probably fucked after.

Aight, so with ‘dem hacks all out in the air expose-like hopefully I’ve helped show you how a few simple hints and tips can help your videos make babies near and far. Let’s get into the good shit now shall we? Let’s learn how to get to the stage of becoming a real big bad web video motherfucker.

How to Become a Real Big Bad Web Video Motherfucker

Carry this at all times

Making beautiful video, I mean the kind of video that makes you want to sell your grandparents for one lick of golden labia, isn’t going to happen overnight. You’re going to have to get proper disciplined with this shiz. You’re going to have to make it a pursuit. You’re going to have to make it a religion.

Getting to grips with these points, while they’ll undoubtedly put you on the path of Peter Jackson (just no more fucking Hobbit movies please), they’re also destined to cost you a fair whack of time, money and development.

Still you’re gagging for it aren’t ya? Yeah, you blates are.

Here’s what you gotta do to get to the top.

Learn how to use proper editing software

iMovie? Bitch, please. Want to be a real pro? Get acquainted with Adobe Premier Pro, its budget version Elements or Final Cut Pro. This is industry standard software for a reason, giving you more precision and control over every aspect of your footage.

Book-end your videos

Having a flashy little opening introduction and closer not only makes your vids look sexier but it also makes you look like one skilled master of puppets too. Get to grips with Adobe After Effects or Apple Motion and see if you can carve up one for your own brand. Failing that? Pay some other jedi-skilled fucker on Elance or something to do it for you.

Study public speaking techniques

If you really are hellbent on becoming the shining star in your own online video (you deserve to die) then do yourself a favour and learn how to actually talk. Stick your head in public speaking reference books, learn what those oratorical mentalists have to say and start implementing it like gospel. Dale Carnegie, the main man on influencing people, has you covered in “The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking”. Dale got da chops.

Study video editing

I don’t mean dropping needless cash on courses, this autodidact is firmly against that. No, I mean more reading again you short-cut seeking little shit. Pick up Steven Garfield’s GetSeen: Online Video Secrets to Building Your Business or Jenni Bourne’s Web Video: Making It Great, Getting It Noticed and start making video like it’s your job. Punk.

Watch great web video

Last but not least, remember to actually watch the experts at work. The more great stuff you watch the more inspiration and creative ideas you’ll have. That’s even obvious for a brainless schmuck like me. Check out video curation sites like Devour.com, Vidque.com (trending videos section) and Antville.org (cool music video curation site) and put some fire up own your ass and that of your creations.

Phew, so that’s another epic informational post over. Don’t say The Gonzo Traveller never gives back, he’s just laid bare his own dirty-worded gospel on how to fuck over half of YouTube.

Go forth and film dear readers. The benefits of mastering video are tenfold. You look sexier, your videos look sexier and the world gets happier as a result.

Oh and my sordid home-made video collection needs an update too. Do your best with that won’t you?

(Note: I recently put my money where my mouth is and dabbled in online video myself over on the NetFlights.com blog. There you can see what my sorry excuse of a life is like as I take you deep into the Bangkok underbelly while trying my damn hardest not to get molested by ladyboys).

Miss anything you deem important or just want to tell me I’m a nobber? Vent in the comments below…

In a continued effort to antagonize Will into writing again for his own damned blog through entirely uterus-driven posts, I’d like to talk for a minute (or approximately 500 words) about boots. Cause, you know, women be shopping.

Actually, I wanted to specifically reiterate something boot-related I have been pretty vocal (annoying) about over the years to the five people who actually listen to me when I talk/write/mime (hey Grandma.) I cannot stress the following point enough. I mean, I thought I could, but then I continue to see friends and family make this wholly dumb mistake, so I guess it really can’t be said enough – wear your god damned boots on the plane.

Obviously I’m talking about hiking boots, not adorable ankle boots or knee-high slut boots. If you’re only bringing trendy ankle booties one whatever trip you’re taking, by all means pack that shit in your bag. Wearing cute boots on an airplane is stupid, because you’re not Angelina Jolie. Should you someday find your extra 10 pounds of ass fat has settled poutily on your lips and Brad Pitt is making you waffles in the morning, then cave immediately to the merciless expectation that you wear cute shoes/boots/whatevers on planes and everywhere all the time. Until then, enjoy one of the (few) perks of being a normal person, wear something normal and stop making the rest of us look bad.

But if you’re going on a hiking trip that requires hiking boots, wear them on the plane. Just do it. First of all, hiking boots are big and take up disproportionate amounts of space in your pack. So there’s that. But more importantly, wearing your hiking boots to fly ensures that, regardless of how shit goes down, you’ve still got the single most critical piece of hiking gear with you when you land. (Unless the plane crashes, in which case the whole thing is kind of rendered moot.) Logic, ya’ll. Logic.

Example: my flight from New York to Cusco to hike the Inca Trail didn’t crash, but it did get delayed 36 hours because of a blizzard. Sadly, that didn’t happen until we’d all been locked in baggage claim at the airport, so those 36 hours still compete for some of the crappiest of my life. I played solitaire on that cold tiled floor for so long I truly began to believe I was alone in this world. But even more depressing, the checked-luggage compartment on the plane suffered extreme condensation having gone from frozen shut to like a thousand degrees, so my pack arrived in Peru completely soaked. Hiking shorts? Sopping! Sport bras? Three pounds heavier with water! Tee shirt? A weird tie-dyed mix of every fabric color I’d had in my bag.

Hiking boots? Those mother fuckers stayed cozy and dry on my feets, right where I had them for the entire flight.

So while ankle boots are adorbs and impressively able to escape the stigma of making your calves look like tree trunks, stop trying to look like a celebrity whose face your fellow passengers can’t quite place and wear your mountain clompers like a responsible traveler. Who knows? If they’re cute enough, maybe they’ll score you some slutty trail-side action.

Next week we continue to blatantly take advantage of Will’s blog by talking about our feelings, hooray!

For travellers whowant to lounge on the beaches of Mexico or explore the cobblestone streets of the Czech Republic, a holiday to these far-off places is surprisingly within reach. You don’t have to spend a ton of money to get where you want to go; you just have to keep an eye out for the world’s best holiday deals. Are you at a loss for where to start? Here are a few ideas.

Thailand. This South Asian country is full of sights for tourists, and you can easily extend your stay here since lodging and travel within the country are so cheap. Your biggest challenge will be finding an affordable flight, but it’s feasible if you keep your eyes open. Instead of heading to popular tourist beaches once you get there, it’s better to try a sandy path that’s less worn; try Ko Pha Ngan for crystal clear waters and a less populated beach scene. And once you’re ready to strike out to see some of the country’s ancient temples and ruins, you can rely on the modern transportation system to move around.

Honduras. Offering both mainland and ocean, this country is a good travel spot because of its sheer wealth of coastline. On top of that, travellers who love the outdoors will find plenty to do here, from spotting howler monkeys to snorkeling off the coast of Roatan Island, which is located near one of the longest coral reefs known to man. Hotel deals are always cheap, regardless of whether it’s high season or low season, making this diverse nation even more of a holiday draw.

Czech Republic. The is only one of a handful of Eastern bloc countries that offer an affordable and culturally rich holiday. On a continent known for exorbitant prices, the Czech Republic is a financial oasis for holidayers looking for a serene view, quality beer and wine and a relaxing time. Like Thailand, public transportation here is a breeze and affordable, too. The key is to stay away from tourist-heavy Prague and head for the quieter locales outside of the metropolitan area.

Mexico. If you’ve always wanted to stick your feet in the aqua blue water off the coast of Cancun or explore the Mayan ruins, now is the time to jump on a travel deal to Mexico. This popular holiday destination has been afflicted with bad press as of late, from the swine flu outbreak to gang wars, but it’s a wide and long land mass with plenty of safe places to holiday. The peso is worth nearly 19 pounds at the moment, making it a steal of a holiday.

Laos. This destination is the epitome of serenity. For travellers who enjoy a cultural dichotomy of old and new, or a pristine view of both river and mountains, Luangprabang is the perfect place to go. It’s a tourist attraction, but the industry has somehow managed to keep hotel prices reasonable. Or, if you prefer to have a more local experience, you can sleep on a hammock with a view of the Mekong.