*This is perhaps the most unorthodox job description you might read. That’s because I rail against anything overtly-corporate that involves wearing a tie and crying into your HoneyPuffs*
So, what can be said about little old me eh? Except the case that I’m a heinous fraud with an unhealthy dependency on sarcasm and other debased modes of humour? Well, now that you’re reading a “job description” you’ll probably have guessed that I’ve got some cash to splash around and need some hired help trying to earn some more. The bottom line, you see, is that beneath this unearthly exterior of youthful exuberance and lyrical fancy, I’m a cold-blooded businessman at heart. And what does every cold-blooded businessman need? Cold-hearted, wonga-worshipping little bitches. That’s what.
That’s where you come in.
I’m looking for someone to work closely (you don’t actually have to sit and look at my angelic face – you’d get no work done) with me on a range of projects that are becoming increasingly more complex to manage on my own. The actual time commitment for this role would be somewhere between 30-35 hours a week. Working hours can be whatever the fuck you like, so if you want to do stuff for me while seeing to your very own specific set of sexual needs (that might actually increase your application strength) then that’s completely fine. I shan’t judge so long as the tasks I set get done.
Salary wise I’m still trying to figure stuff out. Right now I have a starting budget of $650 per month with this figure up for review every three months based on performance and business growth. The overall worth of being my little bitch, aside from the salary, is that you’ll also get to learn how to establish location independent streams of income for yourself. Although I’d prefer if you just called it “living like a fucking cowboy” in place of “digital location independent entrepreneur”.
So by now I guess you’re probably thinking of me, dribbling, wondering what I want from you (that’s how most of my fans in the old people’s home look at me anyway) right? Well, here goes.
- WordPress Skills: this position will entail you posting content, formatting and editing articles for live websites using the WordPress platform. If you haven’t used this before then forget applying (and forget about getting a job in digital media while you’re at it).
- Email Management: I’m going to need you to correspond and answer to a bunch of my emails that I just can’t be frigging well bothered to manage. This means you’re going to have to be precise, accurate and professional (everything I’m not) and understand the requests and how to solve them.
- Commissioning Writers: you will, on occasion, have to deal with writers, selecting pitches and commissioning articles for particular sites. You will be provided with a budget you will have to manage and keep your pretty hawk-eye on.
- Social Media: from time to time you’ll be expected to check in with social media streams and post stuff that is pertinent to particular channels. For this you’re going to know how to use Twitter and Facebook yo.
- Random Sexual Favours: if we ever meet in person you might be required to service me in any way I see fit. I’m not saying you have to pretend to be into it, but at least make the effort.
Now that you’ve read all that shite and you’re still interested I’ll let you know how to apply. The process is quite simple.
- Send me 350 words on why you the hell you want to do this
- Include with that a brief outline on the type of things you’ve done that prove you have the above skills to take on the position
- Tell me, within the first paragraph, what colour your eyes are
- Send your applications to firstname.lastname@example.org before Oct. 5th.
Those who most impress me most with their sickening enthusiasm I’ll be contacting on October 3rd. The position is set to start on October 5th.
Now go to work bitches.