Hangers on. Gold diggers. Bedpost notch carvers. Whatever you want to call them. Groupies are the sure-fire sign of having made a mark in the travel blogging world.
They send us personal emails, harass us on Facebook and Twitter, even turn up at our doors late at night shimmering resplendently with metal chains in one hand and a whip in the other (OK, perhaps that was just mine).
But what is a man to do when a heavy-duty SEO task calls or a particularly odious keyword needs fitting in a contextual post for yet another measly amount? How do you tell said groupie to tone down the dirty talk, to lower their expectations of a rimming and instead get busy Stumbling and sharing your content? I mean you don’t want to disappoint the poor girls (or chaps, in my case) now do you?
Well, my friend, fear not. Just as dear old Man Vs Clock told me before, this truly is a “first world problem” after all. Groupies, just like their mothers before them, are a malleable old lot. Throw any of these techniques their way and you can sculpt them into the fine content-sharing harem of your dreams. Whether you accept their naughty advances of a boning in Beijing is completely up to you. I’m not advocating it (much).
Hit the Mail (Not Obsessively)
The travel bloggers mailbox is the quintessential
breeding copulating ground for travel blogging groupies. This is where they shine their brightest and the talk gets the most titillating. Like the true professional you are, you should only be checking your email sporadically in true “treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen style”.
Attending to your most urgent emails first, you not only make sure you get your work done (and thus put more excellent work out in the world for loose boys and girls to salivate over), but you also ensure that the groupie chatter doesn’t relegate you to filthy Charlie Sheen-esque standards.
Less Talk More Action
Celebrity name-dropping aside, travel blogging groupie’s can be an attention-hungry lot, bombarding you with eerie euphemistic requests to “help share a post”, “do” a *air quotes* “link exchange” and other strange sounding (but no doubt) debauched acts.
Fending off these requests feels a lot like treading water in an ocean while wearing lead boots. You fight hard but eventually get overwhelmed as your mouth fills with water and your organs are penetrated. Or something like that.
Keeping your chat short but jovial is the key to keeping your groupies in-check. You don’t want them to expect a heart-warming essay but neither do you want to be rude and curt to the point where they’ll jump ship and start darkening some other less attractive writers door. Heavens, that would be just as hideous.
Turn the Conversation in Your Favour
What’s not so hideous however is the idea of helping out your groupie with a request and then turning the conversation in your favour. Chances are your groupie is more than just a well-worn sex organ and actually a person capable of clicking a mouse every now and again.
Asking someone to return you a favour by giving you a “like”, “tweet” or whatever else, isn’t a selfish demand of a one-track-mind. No. It’s par for the course in the great old science of human interaction.
Get Yourself a Pimp Yo
Sometimes when you get excessively busy and your hands get really full of groupie flesh, it’s hard to stay “on top” of everything else that trickles in.
By defaulting to standard response templates that deliver your imitable style and sexy air, you can do yourself a huge favour in facilitating future harems and content-sharing orgies.
Hell, you might even decide to go one better and get yourself an assistant responsible for email management too. That’s probably likely to make you harder rather than will anyone else however.
Let the Groupies Come to You
Last but not least, if this all getting a bit confusing for you and the idea of having a travel groupie proves too alien, fear not, you too could soon be rolling deliciously in groupie love.
And while I know you probably came here to read the thinly veiled allusions to sex and then go back quietly to quality travel sites, rest assure. I am a man who knows what he’s talking about. I’ve even got groupies going to work beneath my desk as I write.
Here’s the skinny:
1) Write personally and from the heart so that people can recognise themselves in you (that’s enough to get any self-respecting groupie charged up and feisty).
2) Be approachable and friendly enough in your demeanour so that potential groupies aren’t freaked out when they finally do decide to throw their undies at you.
3) Be as “out there” as you can, flagrant self-promotion works well for the likes of people like Kevin Federline (and he gets loads of opportunities for coitus).
4) Be responsive and don’t let fan mail lie around gathering dust.
5) Provide plenty of unique and useful travel tips and perspectives. Goes without saying you’re a travel writer first and foremost, father or mother to a love child second.
And so that about wraps-up this travel bloggers guide to dealing with travel groupies. I now promptly invite you all to send me photos of yourselves in comprising positions.
I could do with a good laugh.