Oh the fun and games that study abroad brings! Gonzo Traveller centre.

Studying abroad eh? That old bastion of an excuse to escape the crappy confines of your British University town and your appetite of tea-soaked Digestive biscuits for the wider world. Well, at least it was in my case anyway. The millions of other work-shy slackers out there wanting to study abroad? Bloody mugs I say.

Still, just like I can’t stop crappy travel bloggers from waylaying me with oh-so-dry tales of what they ate in give-a-shit-locale, I can’t stop people from running abroad to try and “better their employment prospects” and “have the time of their life”. I’ve already admitted (granted it could be put down to some youthful folly), that I once did it, so despite being the most debased scum there is in this ‘ere community, it would hardly be just for me to chastise your cretinous bones for doing the same now eh?

So in a bid to turn over a charitable new leaf – and attempt, oh-so halfheartedly dear reader, to shake off the wider world’s assertions that I am indeed travel blogging’s biggest asshole (albeit a pretty one), here I go actually trying to give something back. Gandhi? I’m getting there.

Here’s my irritatingly irreverent guide to studying abroad.

Studying Abroad? There Must Be Something Inherently Wrong With You

The first step to successfully preparing for a placement studying abroad is to accept that you’re certifiably messed up in that bazonka-head of yours. Yup. While other people make do studying inside the comfortable confines of their native borders (close to the marked mammaries of their mothers), you, you irritatingly dissatisfied want-more, need to experience something “fuller”, or, let’s be honest here, something that gives you an increased chance of procreating with more exotic species.

Now all that’s alright (if you actually manage it). The unforgivable thing though is telling yourself that you’re studying abroad for reasons other than the opportunity to get closer to the sex organ of some sultry Sicilian slab of sirloin.

“I’m doing it to broaden my horizons”? Oh c’mon! “I’m doing it to know another culture”? No you’re not. “I’m doing it to meet new people”? Maybe. Except exchange “meet” for “engage in coitus” and you’re on the money.

Not a sex hound but still want to study abroad? Regardless, everyone’s still going to look at you with cock-eyed curiosity. “Leave our country? What an outrage! Not good enough for your poncey little bones clearly…”

How to survive the haters? Start a strongly worded travel blog like this one about your own “unique” experiences.

Good luck being anywhere near as great.

Studying Abroad? Choose Where You Want to Go

Every self-purportingly “good” study abroad guide has this section. You know the ones? Those patronizingly ignorant enough to assume you’ve come purposefully to read their travel advice, not because they’ve SEO’ed the living daylights out of the post (metatags be damned) and got their dole-queuing friends to share it. Yeah, those.

Well, let me just point out, those guides, the types you find here, they think you’re stupid.  Acting like you just woke up one morning and said to yourself “hey, yeah, how about studying abroad?”, this guide won’t help make the most basic of decisions for you. No. I assume you have a shred of common sense (you made the decision not to take this guide seriously after all) and that you’re capable of recognising your own dirty travel destination dreams for yourself.

Going abroad with an eye to learn a language? You don’t need a frigging guide to tell you which countries speak what. Look on Wikipedia douchebag.

Studying Abroad? Choose The Kind Of Program For You

I know it’s agonizingly hard to even think about studying when it comes to going to an educational institution abroad. I mean, you just want to hang out, watch foreign TV and figure out what all the fuss is about with absinthe right?

Yet like all responsible travel blogs I must advise you on the contrary. Putting time and effort into figuring out what you’re going to study abroad is mightily important – just as paying back the best part of $20K in student loans for a worthless degree you already started is…

Like it actually matters. Studying abroad is less about the lecture halls you sit in (they’re pretty much the same the world over) and more about the adventures to be had outside. Like hating on beer pong so much that you ragingly overturn a table in an American frat house and have some angry backwards baseball-capped Yanks square up against you.

Besides, sitting in classes at the University of Miami was a lot like what I imagine circus school to be like. With so-called “athletes” on sports scholarships dancing illiterate monkeys.

Studying Abroad? Choosing Living Arrangements

And so we come to the final section in our rather unhelpful series on studying abroad: that pertaining to choosing where to rest your angelic sick-of-your-own-family-and-friends-back-home head.

I guess it’s important, once you’ve hopped on a plane and made it to a new place, to figure out where that lucky first foreign lay might take place. Invite someone back to your shared dormitory and you’re going to have to do your best to muffle your pig-screeching orgasmic shoutings so as not to wake your unfortunate roomie. Get a sweet little private room in off-campus accommodation on the other hand, and boy, you’ve got yourself a sweet little love palace right there.

Choose wisely. Your whole experience studying abroad depends on it!

So that’s it for my rather irreverent guide. Did you learn anything halfway-practical or was this just another pointless read on this nasty ass travel blog?