Not your typical TBEX scene…
It came, it went, we all tongued each other on the last night (don’t believe me? Check the River Cafe Bar floor for semen trails). TBEX Europe, the convention that herds 300 socially inept geeks into a meeting centre and then effectively fucks them up with a number of booze-drenched events, is finally over. Now I can get on with my sad, sorry, excuse for a life. All without the added pressure of being accosted each time I step out in some rather homosexual-looking suspenders too.
After all is said and done though, and our sex organs well-worn and back in our pants, what did we learn about ourselves other than the fact we’re all just hideous prostitutes waiting in line to get fisted by the tourism boards of X and Y destinations? Did TBEX really add value to our work and lives? Or was it little more than a circle jerk full of elfin-sized pricks (oh, hi John O’Nolan) and close-minded vaginas?
In true Gonzo Traveller five-pronged TBEX attack mode, let’s take a look at how this shit really should have went down.
Hold off on buying your Toronto tickets until the end motherfuckers.
(If) The Editors of Travelllll.com Had Been Sacked
For all the outsiders checking into TBEX via Twitter and Facebook (shout out to Dave for being the only one brave enough to speak out), finding out about what was actually happening at the conference was all a bit tricky.
Getting at the “real facts” behind all those RT’s, shares and other sycophantic virtual reach-arounds? About as difficult as squeezing out the truth behind both Nomadic Matt and mine’s sexuality (although I do just want to point out here that we did indeed fuck).
Source of the blame? Travelllll.com’s live coverage.
T5 refused to conduct proper journalism and timely reportage of the event, I speak for all of us when I say that Lezaan and her team threw one almighty spanner in the works for those sat back at home tuning in between bouts of masturbation.
How to remedy the situation so the bullshitty quips of cretins, last-minute speaker slides and the over exposure of one certain colossal clown don’t assail us next time around?
Assassination.
Consider this a fucking fatwa, Travelllll.com.
(If) We’d Have Had Way More Presentations on Social Media, Branding and Other “Non-Repetitive” Themes
Forget having pertinent, rational, interesting discussions that delve into the depth and vibrancy of our trade (like presentations made by African Americans about the culture of travel blogging, or gay travel blogging perhaps) and let’s have wayyyyy more stuff on how to score trips and make more money (perhaps even more than Planet D, they make a killing so I’ve heard).
I mean, I didn’t come all the way to Europe, to watch some nervous amateur (looking as if he’s just stepped off a yacht or some shit) reading answers off his screen while a far more astute older female writer carries him through for chrissakes. No. I want my shit slick, rehearsed and old hat.
Besides I heard barely a thing about the “importance” of branding, or how to clog up twitter with your cursed bones of banality……………
(If) We’d Have Gone to the Castle The Second Night Too
The opening shindig at the castle was always going to get this little travel bloggers panties wet. It had everything. Cheese, shit loads of booze, men friskily climbing on top of other men to push a few kids up towards the sky, everything.
The hour bus-ride out to the “beach”? Bit of a damp squib me hearties. Not a picnic or pirate in sight (unless you consider the vast lot of us that have shared each others ebooks for free 
)
(If) People Hadn’t Been So Goddamn Nice and Well Adjusted
Yeah yeah, my first TBEX and all, but I judged. Why did most delegates (apart from one or two obvious exceptions) have to be so goddamn progressive, level-headed and nice to converse with? It made the whole thing really all too boring.
People even took the chance to get to know me in person for chrissakes. And there was me thinking they’d just read this blog and made the decision that there could never actually be a caring, open-minded, apologetic person behind it.
Fuck all you kind-hearted souls. I wanted to hate you.
(If) The Tongue Fest On Sunday Night Was Live Blogged
Girona’s River Café: the unofficial TBEX den of vice and crime that on Sunday night fell foul to 20-30 drunken “travel bloggers” engaged in scenes reminiscent of Ancient Greek bathhouses.
What irony that nobody was around to live blog and retweet something a little edgier for a change.
Make no mistake about it though; we certainly all rebelled against Rick Calvert’s keynote call out for us to all stop “oversharing”
Oh and before you ask, I couldn’t possibly tell you how good JT is in the sack. She showed me her wicked tats, tempted me with her luscious body and then promptly fell asleep before any chance of coitus…
Last time I read her blog.
Disclaimer: I hate to admit that this article was made possible through the forward-thinking TBEX organisers who invited me to join in the fun and games. If you want to learn more about travel blogging and have a fun time doing it check out the upcoming Toronto event.
Hmmm, you are losing it Will.
Enfant terrible, pfff… pitch, anyone?
I truly expect a ‘TBEX I miss you’ tweet soon.
No, you are not longer my fav wanker.
The only thing I hate about this post is the fact that I wasn’t in the picture with my three favorite people. For that I say, “Piss off.”
See you in Toronto.
Got robbed and had to hotfoot it back to Barcelona. Cannot BELIEVE I never got to meet you. Your leggings brightened my Friday though.
Robbed Juile? And you leave it at that?
LOL @ “clog up twitter with your cursed bones of banality.” What do you mean? People never do that.
My first batch of screen printed Will Peach limited editions printed tee’s are almost finished.. “And I took my tongue out from between the cheeks, and legged it!” – W. A. Peach ’12
Will you may have finally lost the absolute plot. For that I applaud you.
So did you a) find out how you actually pronounce “travellllllllllllll.com” and b) how many letter L’s there are in the domain name?
Greek Bathhouse indeed. That man on man travel blogger action made SF’s Castro look like a Republican convention.
Disappointed to hear you bantered frau JT to sleep.
Excellent recap though, I am wondering if there will be an improvement to next year’s SWAG.
http://aroundtheworldin80jobs.com/travel-blogger-conference-tbex-2012-swag/
Reason #6: Chris and Tawny were not there.
Looks like TBEX was one debauchery-filled travel orgy. We’ll be sure to be at the next one.
Oh, and post our damn interview already.
I also wasn`t there. There could have been a point about the people that weren`t there…this post sucks.
Totally sucks! But it looks like you got lolafy’d so not a bad TBEX after all? Toronto.. we’re coming for you!
This post didn’t go nearly far enough for my liking.
(If) They’d Got Rid Of All The Travel Bloggers –
Hordes of desperate sweaty panting n00bs clamouring for some kind of guidance, some kind of reason to justify the outrages they inflict on the world on a daily basis? And that’s just the panelists. All those people who can’t write, so they have to resort to cliches like “on a daily basis”. THOSE people. I hear Girona is a nice place to hang out. The mistake was inviting people to it. For TBEX Toronto, the conference should have no attendees or panelists. It’s the people that make these things go awry. Minus the people, nothing can go wrong. Think on it. TBEXplore the idea, people.
I have other stuff, but it’s all basically a reworking of “(If) I’d Been There To Keep You Tossers In Line”, so yeah.
And this is the reason why, as much as I’d like to, we will never get to bang heads. People like us don’t deserve humanity. We’re just spirits floating in the ether.
hahaha – this made me chuckle heaps once again mr peach
….roll on our chaos in Madrid beeeeeach, shits gonna get loose
Hmmm. Pretty funny, pretty obscene. Par for the course on this site, right? I also thought most of the TBEX speakers made the incorrect assumption that all attendees were Americans living in America. Note the opening speaker, repeatedly talking about things in “this country” but not meaning Spain, meaning America, and making very specific references to American pop culture (Honey Boo Boo).
I fucking love this. Kind of wish I’d have been there for the tongue fest alone! x
Im delighted that the legendary Will Peach is back. You hadnt posted in a couple of weeks and I had people ask me if you were ok. As if. You were just taking a little rest.
I enjoyed tbex and girona – one of my favourite parts was actually meeting you. I wished for it, and it happened. And you turned out to be a brilliant guy.
Interesting comments here about the keynotes – they were too early for me, so I missed it. Did a guy seriously think we has in America? I will cut the organisers a bit of slack as it was their first event outside the US of A. You were the best European speaker
Not getting nationalistic at all. Loved the groupies too – that was unreal!!
And loved sharing that hour long bus ride sitting next to you
i think some of this is in Catalan… I’ll need to drink a little more and reread this…
stay sexy, Craig
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I was just think about our conversation on queer theory at TBEX and realised you are the ultimate queer travel blogger. I applaud you for that. Congrats.
Ha sounds great/awful. I’ll get invited one day when i am an icon like you Will. *sob*
Duncan
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Is it hard work being controversial? You make it seem very easy. Enjoyed your session at TBEX. Amd this post too. Hopefully you have shaken things up enough to get invited back like this time..
I love your perspective on the event Will…
I almost wore my shorts and speedos to the beach party, were it not at night hehe…
Thanks for the humor; I laughed all the way to the end. Its pretty clear you’ve got the gift of gab!
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